This will probably be one long post, so if you want to get comfortable and sit back, here we go.
On July 22, 2012, my world was changed forever. BFP or whatever you want to call it, I was pregnant. I was so excited and told my family right away. We finally decided to start a family and things were working out beautifully. I scheduled my appointment and a few weeks later we found ourselves anxiously awaiting to see our baby on a black and white screen. The doctor finally came in and didn't see anything on the ultrasound. There was a little black circle that appeared to be a gestational sack." Maybe" she said "it is just measuring behind" or "I can't find it". We went into another ultrasound room with a better machine...same thing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They put us in a tiny room and the Doctor hurried in, wanting to get the news over with. There's no baby showing. It's probably a failed pregnancy but it could be measuring behind (deep down, that Dr knew but I think she was sparing my feelings.). I was supposed to go back in a week to check. Everyone kept telling me that it would be OK. That the baby was measuring behind. But I just knew. I knew that this had gone terribly wrong and the baby that I loved so much already hadn't made it. A few days later, I woke up bleeding, but little did I know my world would come crashing down around me. That was the longest week of my life. In some ways I don't remember any of it, but in other ways I remember ever little detail.Like the dead silence on the drive to my parents house with my mom who picked me up that morning, who didn't know what to say. Like the look on my husband's face when he walked through the door to come get me from my parent's house.Later that week, I went into the doctor to confirm what I already knew. The Dr was so kind and explained that I had a Blighted Ovum. That there was a baby but that because of some reason or another, it wasn't viable, but my body hadn't caught on and it continued to think it was pregnant. They told me a few things that would ensue over the next few weeks. He told me I was being strong. The next few weeks, I pushed through. I made myself go to work and I put on a really brave facade and faked like I was fine and everything was going to be OK. It was a horrible feeling. This baby that I had loved so much, yet I wanted out of me so bad. It took about 2 weeks for the rejection to begin. It was horrible. You think you are dying. You are in so much pain and emotionally drained. I had hoped that once the miscarriage happened I could start to heal. They said I had to wait 6-8 weeks before trying. Weeks turned into months, which eventually turned into a year. I was a wreck. I was miserable, I was not a good person to be around. It consumed me. It made me question everything I have ever believed about life. I was bitter, I was angry, I was jealous, I was sad. How could my body have failed me? And of course the more I wanted it, the more I had to watch my dreams become other people's reality. Everyone around me was getting pregnant, except me. It was supposed to be me, but month after month, it wasn't. And I was sad. As my due date approached, I decided I needed to do some real soul searching. I realized that God could not give me a new baby to love if I was still sad about the one that I had lost. I told myself that my due date, March 26th 2013 was the last day I could be sad. From that point on, I tried to look at how going through this experience would help others. I remember texting a friend from the bathroom asking questions (bless her heart) because nobody in my family had gone through it, and quite frankly, the Dr's do not prepare you for how incredibly horrible the experience is. They say it is like a heavy period. That is a total and complete lie. But anyway, I started to talk about it. It made people uncomfortable because people didn't really know what to say. It had become such a part of me that I needed to share it in order to heal. I used my experience to help other people who were experiencing it. I wanted to help prepare them for what would happen and help them cope and deal. Sometimes you just need to hear that it really sucks. Anyway, I knew that in order to move on and heal, I needed to figure out what was going on with my body. I sent in a consultation request to the Nevada Center for Reproductive Medicine. They called me the next day. When we went in on June 10, 2013, we were greeted by the friendliest staff who didn't make me feel like I was broken. The sign in the office says something to the effect of "With the wisdom of God, the knowledge he's given us and the hopes and dreams of everyone who comes through these doors, anything is possible." Talk about hope!! We sat down with the amazing Dr and he was able to pinpoint exactly what was going on with me and what it would take to fix it. He gave me hope. He brought light into my soul- Something I had been searching for for so long. We came up with a treatment plan and things started right away. I walked out of that office feeling invincible. That Dr. is a true gift from God and makes people's dreams come true. We are so lucky to have been able to go to him. Since this post is getting long, I'll save that story for another time. I want to close by saying how grateful I am to know that the during the worst experience of my life, my Lord and Savior was right there with me. Michael worked out of town, yet I never felt alone. I know that my Heavenly Father was there for me. That he had a plan for me that was bigger and better than I could have imagined. He had this amazing gift he wanted to give me but it had to be on his time. I take comfort knowing that my precious baby just needed to be here for a little moment and I feel blessed that he trusted me to fulfill that. Although that year was the most difficult year of my entire life, I learned so much and became closer to my savior than I ever was before. There really were only one set of footprints in the sand this past year. Now my life is so richly blessed and we are expecting our new perfect miracle. It's all in the Lords hands and all in his timing. I'm learning that. For those of you who are experiencing the same things, don't give up. I had given up. I was at rock bottom. It will get better and I feel your pain. If you ever need to talk I am here for you 100%. Thanks for reading and for being there for me when I wasn't so easy to love. You all are my lifeline, my rock and my greatest blessing in my life. I can't wait to share life's next adventures with you!
